A different start

Disclaimer: This is basically a Pity-Party-Post. Save yourself from my mere journaling and read some cool stuff on Quora.

Well … I didn’t get a chance to write about Alaska a whole lot. Pity. I really wanted to. Oh well. I’m back up in the UP right now. Just started my third semester here. So far so … good? … I wish I could say that more confidently but I can’t. This semester has had a rather abnormal start from all other semester in my college educational career. Due to the combinations of poor planning skills and a crunched time frame, things were not set up to run as smoothly as they should have. I was unable to set up residency before my arrival and have been relying on my sister’s good graces for shelter. I was also unable to find a decent job this semester and so decided to accept my invitation to my previous sub-par job. Some of my friends are gone. The classes I am taking appear to be of a greater challenge as well. Basically …. I’ve got myself in a mess. A big tricky mess.

Granted, I’m sure out there probably even in this city there are many people who have it worse than I do. I tend to complain more than I believe I have the right to. But still, all I can think about right now is how badly I want out. This sucks. I’m basically homeless, without a stable decent job, and school is kicking my … well … my gluts! It doesn’t help that school was also doing that less than two weeks before now in Calc 2.

I believe I wrote a brief post about that a while back. If I didn’t, I’ll summarize. I chose to take an accelerated Calculus 2 course during the summer which had a class every day of the week for two and a half hours for five weeks straight. Yes, it sucked. It really really sucked. Long story short, this class took away most of my summer while upsetting the majority of my family which led to someone being kicked out which festered some resentment towards my education. In the past, I have never been deeply motivated by school. Good grades are great, but I have never valued them beyond the avoidance of the embarrassing experience of bad grades. A pat on the back doesn’t feel that different to most of the 4.0’s I have received. (I’ve probably written about that in the past as well) My point is …. well … that class really burned me out.

Although I did indeed pass the class, I didn’t do it with flying colors. I consider what I received as a bad grade. (Some say passing is good, but I set my standards high so I don’t completely succumb to my lack of 4.0 motivation) Because I gave so much and came out feeling poorly, that class left a few wounds that are still a bit tender to touch. It’s one thing to spend a school years away and get to see your parents periodically on breaks and the start of the summer. However, seeing them grow distant from you because of a class you chose to take, that’s a pretty painful thing to swallow. I had to go up north feeling that these wounds I feel are still mutual between those closest to me. My mother and father expressed how much they missed me. Saying goodbye was not easy when I came up north. My eldest brother who has always been the understanding and encouraging one in my life twice spoke the sly remarks of a forgotten brother who wanted to see that he still mattered.

So in a nutshell, that class has left me pretty resentful towards school in general. I usually never struggled to get excited to learn new things and meet new instructors. This semester, however, has come with it’s share of heavy baggage. I truly miss my family. I regret having treated them like shit. They mean more to me than this stupid place. I will probably go to my grave saying that I do not belong in school. I am a laborer. My heart lies with the tasks and duties of a smaller group. I wonder how often a doctor smiles in comparison to a garbage man.  The world is what you make of it, not what it makes of you. …. That’s enough. I’ll dream more about simpler careers in the morning. For now, I better get to sleep, I have to be up and ready for class in five hours. ……


A random update.

Looks like my summer is coming to an end. I have around a dozen days left before I depart for my semester at NMU. Although I look forward to the upcoming adventure, I can’t help but continue to question my decision to go up there. I’m not quite sure why I feel rather uneasy about the whole thing. Perhaps I wonder if it’s possible for me to build my own social group from scratch, maybe I’m worried about getting a job up there or maybe I’m just feeling the pull to stay in my home town.

     Funny thing about this summer. My first evaluation of it would be something of a bore. This is due to the somewhat nonstop work I have had. I blame no one for this. I needed funds more than I needed fun this summer. It’s just that I didn’t find time to do the many things I had planned to do. I had made a short list of things I wanted to do after I finishing my winter semester at the local community college. My list included canoeing, bike riding, playing some of my favorite video games and catching up on a lot of reading. Sadly my list has remained somewhat untouched since it’s composition. Away from work, I feel as if I have done almost nothing this summer.

    However, at the same time it has been the most extraordinary summer I have ever had. Early this year I met a girl. A kind, interesting, beautiful, sweet girl. Fate put us in a class together and with little credit to myself, our friendship grew closer and closer onto the point at which it blossomed into a very meaningful relationship. I have learned a lot through my dear girlfriend. She has shown me not only what it is like to care deeply for another, but also what it is like to be deeply cared for. At first, I admit I was very cautious. I did not give her my heart as a whole on the first day I spotted her. Nor even the day I first heard her speak to me. No, I feel as though I through gentle encouragement and quiet patients, I have been slowly giving her pieces of my heart. Through deep conversation and quiet gestures, she has slowly built up a collection of who I am and what I hold most dear. I have never known what it is like to love, but I do believe that if something were to happen, I would not be the same person of who’s heart she now possesses.

     I would also like to say a brief thing about meeting her family. They have been most kind and understanding to me. I am happy to say that they were skeptical of me at first. Saying little to me, I often felt as though I was under a close and scrupulous examination. It was a little discomforting but I honestly preferred it this way. It shows a tightly wound family who truly care about each other. (Especially how much her parents care about her) I would find it rather unnerving if a family were to welcome me into their lives with no more than a quick assessment. However, pleasing this family was not as hard as one might think. (at least it wasn’t for me) I for one really came to liking the family. I believe I might be stretching the word “liking” a little there. I really really like them. I hope I have made a good impression on them. I know I have annoyed them with my late nights out with my girlfriend. I really hope things work out. It’s a shame they’re moving so far away. Maybe I’ll write about that in another post later.
     Basically, in a manner of speaking, I have experienced less and more this summer than I ever have before. I know more I see more, I feel more and I worry more. This has been the most extraordinary summer in all my life. In a funny sort of way. Although, I wouldn’t have asked for it any other way.