So the semester has come to an end and I have nothing more I can do towards my classes. This is a pity because I had a few assignments I could have worked on more. I don’t expect to get any murderous grades in any of my classes. In fact I’m fairly certain I passed them all. ……. Well that’s a depressing statement.
I have never been one to put a lot of work into my education. When it comes to all the things I’ve learned, it’s mostly through listening. I just don’t pick up much from reading. In fact, I would rank myself pretty poorly in my reading comprehension and retention rate. This, I venture to say, is why I do not excel in college or many other learning environments. Regardless, I try and do what I can with the mental capabilities I posses. It’s just so disappointing when I can’t achieve the A’s on my grades that I want so badly.
If I may continue rambling, you know what’s most heartwrenching when it comes to my sub-par grades? When the people you love do so much better. My dear girlfriend, who I would lay down my life for, is doing better than ever in school. She’s constantly talking about her goals to beat the leading student in her Calc course. As far as I know, she expects nothing less than A’s in all her classes. …. I want nothing more than to keep pushing her with all the encouragement, love and motivation I can give her, but I don’t think everyone knows how hard it is to encourage an Olympian swimmer when you’re just trying to stay afloat. I want to do well and I want to be there for her but I feel my encouragement is near useless when I’m not above or at least at her level. I don’t think I actually encourage her enough. To be perfectly honest, I think I get jealous sometimes. This makes me feel so bad that I can’t talk about it. In fact I can’t actually talk about this because it’s her finals week and I’m not about to screw up her grades while she fusses over little ole me. As I mentioned earlier, I am done, so I have nothing left to really even constructively worry about. I mean, my fate is sealed at this point.
Basically all this rambling is about me having a problem. That problem is I don’t believe I am doing well in school. I don’t necessarily believe I can’t do well. I just believe I’m not at this time. How I fix this will be the project of my entire summer. I do have few theories as to why this problem seems to exist but only one really strikes me as the leading cause.
I don’t have a goal:
This is my biggest problem and the most difficult to resolve. I have things I would like my future to hold but most of those things are things I need to fund (like a family) and not a career. I really really need a career goal. Yes I’m pursuing a degree in computer science but without knowing what I’m going to do with that and looking forward to it, I lack a goal. Therefore, I do poorly in school. So it’s kind of a paradox till I learn more about the field. Funny thing is, my current vision of the field has not yet striked me as … shall we say … appealing to the point of passion. Yes there’s a guaranteed wealth for those who go into the field with knowledge and eagerness to work hard but I, oddly enough, am not motivated by money. If it weren’t for bills, payments and the general cost of a decent living, I literally could not care less about a large number on my bank statement. Money is a key for living. Put simply, I want that key, but I don’t care about unlocking a life of luxury. I want a meaningful life, not a status. I want to leave my mark on this world but I couldn’t care less if my works remained anonymous. There are so many people in this world who have made some amazing discoveries and few of them have the fame of Einstein or Galileo. Honestly, I don’t even care if I’m the one who really makes the mark. I’d be happy if my children or their children did something great. I just want play my part and do it well. I just don’t know what the hell I’m doing right now.
Tag: Katrina
All I really want in life.
When it all boils down to it. There are very few things I truly desire in life. Now before I go on, I must clarify. This is not to be a list of the items that fallow the statements “It would be wonderful to have that” or “It would be nice to live there”. Although those that list can be important when it comes to motivation, it is still a very secular view of how I tend to perceive success. Financial wealth is a luxury and a bi-product of hard work and dedication. I admire many of the people who were able to climb this ladder to the top because they were inspired to work hard in life. This is not what I value. Wealth in my eyes goes beyond the material standing. Wealth is not strictly what you gain, but also what you gave. When I say I have very few things I desire in life. This is the approach I have. I wish to leave my mark on this world. I wish to make a difference for the better. Allow me to elaborate.
Now I feel that the statement I made above “Wealth is not strictly what you gain, but also what you gave.” this has been said before. I cannot recall who but I dare not take credit. This statement however highlights what I believe it means to be truly successful in life. To succeed with how many lives you have touched. Another (perhaps butchered quote) comes to mind. It requires a bit of an anecdote, so bear with me.
There is a man who is sitting on a log with two children on his lap while a few others stand beside him. This man who we know nothing about is laughing and smiling as he seems to entertain the children all huddled around him. As you observe this pleasant sight, someone says “Now there’s a man who is truly wealthy”.
I could have swore I read this somewhere but it is 2am and I wish to proceed with my thought rather than properly cite my sources. This small and insignificant seeming man makes an impact on those around him. This man is happy regardless of what happens or what has happened, he is happy to be a father figure to these young children. I feel a good father figure has some of the most incredible wealth imaginable. Bill Gate’s wealth (which I believe was above 52 billion, last I heard) cannot compare to the love and sacrifice a given by good parents. The greatest gift parents can give to their child is life. There is nothing more profound and meaningful than that. I don’t think I will ever deserve what my parents have given me. They have brought me into this world to experience everything. They raised me from birth to the point I left home. They gave everything and now ask for next to nothing. What am I supposed to do with that?
Life is an incredible gift. In a way, to give what you have been given can also be very powerful. That is why I wish to become a father. I have little faith that I will be perfect. The lord knows my parents weren’t perfect, but it was because of them I am here. I’m here to take on everything life has to offer because of them. The shit storms and the beauty. Now that I am a little older and I have experienced a fair amount, I think I’m starting to realize how amazing life can be. I have had some (mild) scarring experiences in my life and I have also met a someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. The fact that life has it’s drastically different contrasts does not taint life. It enhances life. Not to say have been through horrible times, nor am I saying have I escaped them, but things never look quite as good until after you’ve gone through some rough times. Somewhat like a loved one getting in an accident. With one phone call you’ve got your priorities figured out.
We are each only here for a very short time. We’re just one worm of existence in the 4th dimension. Or a point in the 5th. There is very little we can do to effect what happens on our planet, and even less in the universe. Wealth (for me) is not in what you wish to gain through the time you have, but rather, the time you can give. I want to be a dad.
For all those dad’s out there who inspire me: Destin Sandlin, Jon Schmidt, Steven Sharp Nelson, Paul Anderson, Al van der Beek, of course my father, and probably many others I am forgetting. Look out, I’m going to try and join the club.
Thoughts on my mind.
So …. I have been trying to come up with a rough plan with my life. That alone is pretty weird for me. I mean, I’ve kinda just grown up taking life as it came at me. Now I’m trying to guide my life to a goal! It’s kind of weird knowing that you want something like this. The thought that makes you think if you don’t get it, than nothing else matters.
Here’s kind of the deal. I need to save up. I need to stockpile money like I’ve never done before. I need scholarships, internships, jobs … Anything I can get. … I wish I could blert things out but this dream of mine requires some careful planning and …. Well … A little secrecy. If it all goes well, I’ll be both terrified and blissful.
I’ve been thinking I should stay up here in Marquette for the summer. After all, my job isn’t horrible and it leaves room for other jobs and stuff. If I could get a couple more part time jobs, maybe a local internship, I’d be set. I could pay bills and save up! Of course, life always has its unexpected hurtles. How do you plan for those though. The only thing I think I should do is make a decent plan from the options I have, then stick with it. Take the path till it takes me. Sweep myself into my future. … Ok that’s enough climactic sentences that make little sense.
Katrina’s (my darling’s) dad is coming down from Alaska this summer to grab more personal items for their new home way up there. (Actually it’s technically more west but whatever) I’m not sure who or even how many people would be interested in riding the 6 day drive up with him. I certainly I’m though. I would love a drive like that! I never (ok rarely) tire of driving. The idea of riding for so long and on the scenic routes to Alaska no less. It truly sounds incredible. There’s just one catch. (Aside from their might not being room) I would be spending 6 consecutive days in close proximity to my girlfriend’s father. …. Yeah. ….. Why do I want to do this? Well aside from the natural intimidation that comes with my position, I don’t feel all that uncomfortable with that. Let’s face it, I have been blessed with meeting, getting to know and falling in love with his little girl. If there’s anyone who can relate to the deep connections and feelings I have for Katrina, its him. I’m still uneasy when I’m in his presence but at the same time. I’ve done my best to maintain respectfulness, honorable intentions, a keen ear and all around gentlemanly behavior both not only while he’s present but also (and sometimes more importantly) outside his presence. Maybe I’m crazy but I’m thinking I might have done an ok job at that. He doesn’t seem to hate me and so …. I think that’s a step in the right direction. Right? .. I don’t know. Life is a box of pending f*** ups. Lol. Maybe I got that qoute wrong. I can’t help it. I’m an overly pessimistic fellow. I should have got some homework done instead of writing this post but eh … I wouldn’t have got much done. Not enough anyway.
I think I’ll go to sleep now. Maybe I’ll have pleasant dreams of the future. Who knows what it holds.
You know what happened after God made Saturn?
He liked it so much, he put a ring on it.
HA! Alright. I’ll sleep now.
Christmas break (part 2)
There was a couple pretty major things that happened on and after Christmas. My sister Emily is now engaged to a gentleman she met here in Marquette and had grown close to. That came as a surprise to most everyone in my family. The proposal was a little awkward (a trend that I am beginning to see is not so uncommon) with a misunderstanding of gifts under the tree. My father had grabbed the small parcel thinking it was a small gift from my mother. She promptly opened it at the same time as another gift was being opened by someone else. This caused a bit of suspense when she gasped and we had to wait for the unobservant people in our crowd to quit talking. It all turned out well though. Drew soon saw his moment and promptly dropped to one nee and proposed. It both warmed my heart and left me slightly unnerved. (not exactly sure why) Especially when my Katrina gave me a look that suggested desire. ….. All in due time, my dear. …. This event left me startled but fairly pleased. Drew is a nice fellow who seems to have a serious interest in taking care of my sister. This is more than I could have asked for, all things considered. Nobody’s perfect, but I have grown more fond of the fellow. Especially since the other major thing that happened over Christmas break.
It was the day after Christmas. My family had just had Christmas with my Grandparents and they had left to go home. It was only some family members and friends remaining. I was upstairs with my sister Skyping my friend. (Well my sister was actually. They seem to have taken a liking to each other. I was waiting eagerly for Katrina’s return from her trip away earlier that day. Suddenly my sister’s phone rings. I see that it’s Katrina so I answer it. “Hi babe!” I say in a chipper tone. “Peter!” She says to me repeatedly in a breathless terrified voice, “I’ve been in an accident!”. My heart dropped so far and so fast I couldn’t think straight. “What? .. Where are you? Are you hurt? Where are you?” I began speaking fast as I held back the building panic in my chest. “Past Minard Mill” she said sounding as though it was difficult speaking. I was halfway downstairs by now and soon lost reception there. Without thinking I grabbed my phone. Told my mother and those present that Katrina had gotten in an accident then headed for the door. My father jumped to his feet and said he was coming, Drew did the same. The three of us slip on some winter garments and race out the door. I’m dialing up Katrina as I hop in my truck. I hand the phone to my dad and he talks to her as I drive. He’s speaking in a calm and soft tone. My thoughts are racing. I kept thinking of how she sounded when I spoke to her. I didn’t know if she was standing outside the wreck on the phone or pinned in a crumpled car dying. The word terror does not fully express my feelings at that time. “Slow down, we’ll get there” My father says in a calm tone. I realize my mistake and begin to regain my senses while trying to calm myself. We didn’t know where she was at but I knew it had to be close because she was headed back to my house. Suddenly we round a bend and see a car pulled over and two figures standing on the opposite side of the road. There’s a faint glow like headlights coming from down in the ditch. A feeling of slight relief rushes over me as I see that Katrina is visibly unharmed and standing. I drive around and pull. Without thinking I jump out and run to embrace Katrina. She’s crying and holding a water bottle. The gentleman who stopped after seeing headlights in a ditch sees that he is no longer needed and starts to walk away. Someone says thank you and that reminds me to do the same. “Thank you!” I say over Katrina’s shoulder. I wasn’t ready to let go. In that moment I was slowly beginning to realize who I couldn’t live without. I realize now that it wasn’t just Katrina who almost died that day.
After I am satisfied with my embrace, I guide her to my tailgate to sit while I survey the damage. Dad and Drew are already gathering items that had flown out the windows. One of the items was her Macbook. (Other than a new dent, it seemed to be unharmed) It was a single car accident where she had lost control coming around a left curve. We assume hydroplaning or maybe a layer of thin ice was the cause of it. The back of the car must have started drifting as it came around the bend but soon got caught on the inner edge of the curve as it slid down into the ditch. The right side of the car smacked into the tree blowing out all the windows on that side plus the back and crunching part of the windshield. The car had spun around ending up facing the opposite directions she has come. The mechanics of the car seemed to be fairly unharmed but the damage to the body plus a bend in the frame told us that Stanley (the car’s name) was done. We talked things over and decided that my truck could pull it out. So we hook up my tow strap, turn on the 4 wheel low and crawl it out of the ditch. Stanley was still drivable so my dad drove it home as I fallowed. Feelings of sentiment pass over me as I see the car that was wrecked and yet left my girl nearly unharmed. Katrina walked away with a number of bruises and a bump on the head but nothing of serious consequences. God was most definitely looking out for her little angel that night and I was given a revelation. I did not spend a day away from Katrina till I had to leave for my job back up north, and that was no easy task. That Sunday, as she sang in the church choir, she never sounded more beautiful. Every moment from then on seemed to have more light in it. I don’t want to ever experience something like that again but I should probably thank it for showing me who I truly love.
There’s not much else that happened over Christmas break. I got to celebrate New Years Eve with Katrina and my parents. Most my family members left to “go have fun” but Katrina and I watched The Princess Bride with my parents. I thoroughly enjoyed that.
I left on the 5th without tears or severe heartache. I know who I love and I think she truly cares about me. That, honestly, is all I need. I don’t know what this new year holds for me, but I’m thinking Katrina will be a big part of it.
Wish me luck this semester. … I can’t believe I have to retake Calculus.
Here’s a recording of an angel singing after her accident. Pity the quality wasn’t great.
Christmas Break (part 1)
Well … A lot has happened since my last post in November. Basically all of Christmas break and then some. In this new year I have decided to write a post at least once a week. I’m hoping that won’t be too difficult. Perhaps if I concentrate on making my posts a 5 minute activity rather than a 15 minute one. That would most certainly make this easier. But still, I have a lot to catch up on so … here goes.
My classes ended with a pretty good bang this past semester with pretty good grades. I did fairly well in all but Calculus, which I dropped and will be retaking this winter semester. I didn’t quite get a 4.0 on all of my classes but considering the major challenge in them, a B and an A- aren’t as bad as I had expected. I’m greatful and somewhat motivated to do well this next semester. My plate will have a lot more on it but for some reason I feel more capable. Perhaps my life has suddenly become more clear to me as of late. I think this Christmas break had something to do with it.
Christmas break started a little later than I would have liked due to hours that needed to be filled at Target Mobile (where I work) after school ended. I moved out of the dorms and stayed with my sister while I worked the week after school ended and before I wanted to leave on the 20th. It all turned out well though. I had time to get most my Christmas shopping done up here and made a little extra money with the extra hours. I also made a little extra for a number of phone sales.
I drove home on the 20th with my cousin from Michigan Tech. Although I enjoy driving alone on the long trek back home, George is a fun guy to be around. Especially when we get talking and I end up learning things from his … dare I say … somewhat superior intelligence. It seems like I always learn something fun or mathy while riding with him. We arrived late that night. We said hi to my family and I said hi to the family Yorkies. Both of which I hadn’t seen since Thanksgiving last month. The next day I got to see my girlfriend Katrina whom (despite the great love I carry for my family) I had missed most since my last visit. I had drove to her house to have lunch with her and her sister. I’ll spare anyone reading the warm sentiments that were experienced with this long awaited connection. Something that provoked a “gross” from Katrina’s sister Alex who doesn’t seem to care about such things. (At least not openly) 😉
That evening Katrina, her sister and most everyone in my family plus some friends all went to see the new Star Wars. This was a lot of fun but I’ll have to refrain from talking about it till I have time for another post. I might go off on a tangent here if I start picking apart my opinion of it. All that I feel I need to say now is that I liked it and look forward to seeing it again. (Hopefully before school starts)
The days leading up to Christmas were exiting enough but my post is getting a little long for all trifles that went on between then and Christmas. On Christmas morning I woke up at about 9am. A very late time compared to previous years. Perhaps this is a sign of me growing up. …. I would doubt that though.
The gifts were all very nice. I’m proud to say that Katrina made me lemon bars for one of her gifts to me. A delicious treat I value quite highly. Hopefully she likes the watch, gloves and other small things I got her. I wanted to make her something carved out of wood, (Something I did almost every year for those close to me) but alas, 4 days was not enough time to make something. I will try for something like that next year. Or perhaps her birthday if I can manage that. I was also given a homemade quilt by my mom who had (unbeknownst to me) been gathering material for it since the summer. It truly is a work of art. It is space themed with a stary blue nebulas like background with a wood like fabric dividing the scene into small squares. This gives it a look something like a window with many cross beams stretching horizontally and vertically across the quilt. I love it very much and look forward to showing it off to my friends in the dorm up here.
I enjoyed my Christmas tremendously. Seeing my family all together again with the general happiness that Christmas seems to spark was a welcoming sight for me. Especially since I hadn’t seen that since … well …. last Christmas. There were some pretty major things that happened later on Christmas day and later in the fallowing week that I must also address, but this post is getting a bit long so ……..
End of part one.
What a wonderful weekend
Well, I got to come home and it’s been awesome. After the seemingly endless 8 hour drive from upstate, I finally arrived at my humble home. After hanging out with the family members that were there and snuggling with the yorkies that I missed so much, I began to prepare myself for the arrival of my girlfriend who had no idea I was coming home. I had begun planning on making the trip over a month in advance, I just never thought the day would actually get here. My girlfriend was running late to the “movie night” at my family’s house. So we had dinner while we waited. After what felt like ages to me, (but was probably only a little while) she finally arrived. I patently waited quietly in the pantry with the flowers while she was greeted normally and placed the pie she brought on the kitchen counter. Barely containing my excitement, I peeked out the sliver of a crack in the slightly open door and listened to the beautiful voice I had not heard this clearly in 47 days. Finally, my mother said the words I had been waiting for. “Katrina, could you grab the plates out of the pantry? I think they’re on the second shelf.” I stood their frozen, not knowing what to expect. She opened the door abruptly headed for the second shelf from the bottom. With puzzled and concerned look on her face, I watched as her eyes slowly climb the shape of my dark and mysterious silhouette. The realization of who she was looking at struck her so hard, I thought she might fall backwards. With one hand over her mouth and the other finding the stool that was supposedly nearby she slowly stepped back and eased onto her seat. I emerged from the pantry shivering with excitement. I had finally seen the expression I had been dreaming about since I first day I fantasized the scene. Without baring it any longer, I embraced her. I can’t remember the last time a hug felt that good.
A lot of other things have happened this weekend including two thanksgiving dinners. I wish I could write more about them tonight but I’m beginning to get tired and I need to be up to go to class with Katrina. I’m hoping to see my favorite math instructor I had when I was attending the local college. It’ll be so nice to see her.
Goodnight.
I’m feeling better.
In my past couple of posts I talked about some struggles I had been experiencing. Not exactly sure why I decided to post such gloomy thoughts. I feel I should address them as I take advantage of this some what more chipper rebound.
In my previous post I believe I talked about depression. I still believe that I was dealing with that to a degree. Less extreme than what might usually be considered diagnosable, but still prevalent enough to effect me. There are things going on in my life that have been taking a toll on me. Some of which have to do with me and some with those I love. My sister has been (and still is) somewhat sick. For the sake of her privacy I believe I am not at liberty to elaborate on the issue further. All I can say is that it has my parents, my siblings and I all very worried. We love her very much.
Because of this problem with my sister, my mother drove the 8 hours up here to see her. This is such a blessing. I love and have missed my mother a lot these past 87 days since I last saw her and the rest of the family. But who’s counting? Although the main purpose was for my mother to come see my sister, I can’t help but think my mom came just in time to really get me out of this hole I was in. I’m feeling a lot better now that she’s here. It’s really nice to see her again.
I’m going to say some prayers for my sister in the mean time. Hopefully everything will turn out well.
Oh one last thing before I go to sleep. I can’t give all the credit of my brighter mood to my mother. A good portion of the credit belongs to my girlfriend Katrina. Thanks to her I’m feeling much better. I love her very very much.
A random update.
Looks like my summer is coming to an end. I have around a dozen days left before I depart for my semester at NMU. Although I look forward to the upcoming adventure, I can’t help but continue to question my decision to go up there. I’m not quite sure why I feel rather uneasy about the whole thing. Perhaps I wonder if it’s possible for me to build my own social group from scratch, maybe I’m worried about getting a job up there or maybe I’m just feeling the pull to stay in my home town.
Funny thing about this summer. My first evaluation of it would be something of a bore. This is due to the somewhat nonstop work I have had. I blame no one for this. I needed funds more than I needed fun this summer. It’s just that I didn’t find time to do the many things I had planned to do. I had made a short list of things I wanted to do after I finishing my winter semester at the local community college. My list included canoeing, bike riding, playing some of my favorite video games and catching up on a lot of reading. Sadly my list has remained somewhat untouched since it’s composition. Away from work, I feel as if I have done almost nothing this summer.
However, at the same time it has been the most extraordinary summer I have ever had. Early this year I met a girl. A kind, interesting, beautiful, sweet girl. Fate put us in a class together and with little credit to myself, our friendship grew closer and closer onto the point at which it blossomed into a very meaningful relationship. I have learned a lot through my dear girlfriend. She has shown me not only what it is like to care deeply for another, but also what it is like to be deeply cared for. At first, I admit I was very cautious. I did not give her my heart as a whole on the first day I spotted her. Nor even the day I first heard her speak to me. No, I feel as though I through gentle encouragement and quiet patients, I have been slowly giving her pieces of my heart. Through deep conversation and quiet gestures, she has slowly built up a collection of who I am and what I hold most dear. I have never known what it is like to love, but I do believe that if something were to happen, I would not be the same person of who’s heart she now possesses.
I would also like to say a brief thing about meeting her family. They have been most kind and understanding to me. I am happy to say that they were skeptical of me at first. Saying little to me, I often felt as though I was under a close and scrupulous examination. It was a little discomforting but I honestly preferred it this way. It shows a tightly wound family who truly care about each other. (Especially how much her parents care about her) I would find it rather unnerving if a family were to welcome me into their lives with no more than a quick assessment. However, pleasing this family was not as hard as one might think. (at least it wasn’t for me) I for one really came to liking the family. I believe I might be stretching the word “liking” a little there. I really really like them. I hope I have made a good impression on them. I know I have annoyed them with my late nights out with my girlfriend. I really hope things work out. It’s a shame they’re moving so far away. Maybe I’ll write about that in another post later.
Basically, in a manner of speaking, I have experienced less and more this summer than I ever have before. I know more I see more, I feel more and I worry more. This has been the most extraordinary summer in all my life. In a funny sort of way. Although, I wouldn’t have asked for it any other way.
Perception Orbit 