A different start

Disclaimer: This is basically a Pity-Party-Post. Save yourself from my mere journaling and read some cool stuff on Quora.

Well … I didn’t get a chance to write about Alaska a whole lot. Pity. I really wanted to. Oh well. I’m back up in the UP right now. Just started my third semester here. So far so … good? … I wish I could say that more confidently but I can’t. This semester has had a rather abnormal start from all other semester in my college educational career. Due to the combinations of poor planning skills and a crunched time frame, things were not set up to run as smoothly as they should have. I was unable to set up residency before my arrival and have been relying on my sister’s good graces for shelter. I was also unable to find a decent job this semester and so decided to accept my invitation to my previous sub-par job. Some of my friends are gone. The classes I am taking appear to be of a greater challenge as well. Basically …. I’ve got myself in a mess. A big tricky mess.

Granted, I’m sure out there probably even in this city there are many people who have it worse than I do. I tend to complain more than I believe I have the right to. But still, all I can think about right now is how badly I want out. This sucks. I’m basically homeless, without a stable decent job, and school is kicking my … well … my gluts! It doesn’t help that school was also doing that less than two weeks before now in Calc 2.

I believe I wrote a brief post about that a while back. If I didn’t, I’ll summarize. I chose to take an accelerated Calculus 2 course during the summer which had a class every day of the week for two and a half hours for five weeks straight. Yes, it sucked. It really really sucked. Long story short, this class took away most of my summer while upsetting the majority of my family which led to someone being kicked out which festered some resentment towards my education. In the past, I have never been deeply motivated by school. Good grades are great, but I have never valued them beyond the avoidance of the embarrassing experience of bad grades. A pat on the back doesn’t feel that different to most of the 4.0’s I have received. (I’ve probably written about that in the past as well) My point is …. well … that class really burned me out.

Although I did indeed pass the class, I didn’t do it with flying colors. I consider what I received as a bad grade. (Some say passing is good, but I set my standards high so I don’t completely succumb to my lack of 4.0 motivation) Because I gave so much and came out feeling poorly, that class left a few wounds that are still a bit tender to touch. It’s one thing to spend a school years away and get to see your parents periodically on breaks and the start of the summer. However, seeing them grow distant from you because of a class you chose to take, that’s a pretty painful thing to swallow. I had to go up north feeling that these wounds I feel are still mutual between those closest to me. My mother and father expressed how much they missed me. Saying goodbye was not easy when I came up north. My eldest brother who has always been the understanding and encouraging one in my life twice spoke the sly remarks of a forgotten brother who wanted to see that he still mattered.

So in a nutshell, that class has left me pretty resentful towards school in general. I usually never struggled to get excited to learn new things and meet new instructors. This semester, however, has come with it’s share of heavy baggage. I truly miss my family. I regret having treated them like shit. They mean more to me than this stupid place. I will probably go to my grave saying that I do not belong in school. I am a laborer. My heart lies with the tasks and duties of a smaller group. I wonder how often a doctor smiles in comparison to a garbage man.  The world is what you make of it, not what it makes of you. …. That’s enough. I’ll dream more about simpler careers in the morning. For now, I better get to sleep, I have to be up and ready for class in five hours. ……


A random update.

This is nearly the end of my first week at Northern Michigan University. I think it went pretty well all things considered. I have ended up making more … friends than I had originally expected. After living in Marquette for about 10 now, I’ve started to figure out a little more of what this will be like.
  First I think I should talk about dorm life. It is different. One minute I’m in my own private settlement, reading a book or something. The next minute I’m standing in my bedroom doorway talking with a group of people I don’t know. Chatting it up like they’ve known me forever. It’s weird and sometimes kinda pleasant. Due to the fact I that my roommate has a girlfriend and ends up spending lots of time in her dorm, I actually get a lot more alone time than I expected. This is really nice for me. My dorm is a perfect place to be my alone and introverted self. A place to recharge my social batteries. However, although I can be happy with isolation and solitude, I do have a yearning for company. Occasionally a group in the dorm will assemble and spontaneously plan a trip somewhere. If I happen to be present, I will often receive an invite. Normally I probably would decline but this is where I’ll surprise myself by saying yes.  “SURE I’ll come with you guys” I might say to a fellow housemate.
  Basically I like it so far. This semester is going to be an interesting experience. I’m not sure what to expect. I think it’ll be better than I thought. I do miss my family though. A lot. I’ve been doing alright so far with putting the thoughts of home in the back of my mind. Although today I was scrolling through pictures I think and I had … Shall we say a brush of nostalgia. I feel like I’m holding back a pending sadnesses. It’ll be a while but I’m probably going to shed a tear or two do to missing some people.
I’m so tired, but I have to talk about one more thing.
  So I REALLY like my calc instructor. He’s super awesome and incredibly  nice. He’s Canadian. Today I was struggling a lot with a particular math problem and so I decided to visit him in his office. He was so helpful and so patient. I really have been blessed this semester with a teacher I believe I can connect to. After he helped me, we ended up furthering our discussion of math by using the equations again in our own questions. After that we started discussing the philosophy behind math. I mentioned learning some this topic online through some of my favorite YouTubers like vHeart, Minute Physics and Numberphile. Turned out he also watches YouTube and had seen many of the videos I had seen. Our discussion turned from toy magnets to the three primary philosophical positions mathematicians typically hold. The Platonists, the Nominalists and the Fictionallists. Each of these are described quite well in NumberPhile’s video “Do numbers really exist?”. I was so excited and I think he was too. To refresh our memory he looked up the video and we watched most of it but didn’t finish because we kept pausing to discuss thoughts and opinions. We even touched on the question of how you define existence. I really hope my next visit ends with something like that again. This instructor is so cool.
I think I’ll sleep now.
I’ll check this post out for errors later.