Well that was interesting.

     I was invited to a game night this evening by one of my gf’s classmate friends. He was getting together the usual group (minus my gf because she’s in Hawaii) and somewhat randomly sent me an invite. Not sure what spawned that idea but I was really happy for the company.
    It was a very fun evening with super smash bros, pizza and several board games. I (of course) was probably rather awkward but I did my best to be friendly, personable and engaging. I really did enjoy each and every one of them. The host this evening, who was also the person who invited me, he was very polite and friendly. All of the people there seemed to not even care that I wasn’t really part of the group. I mean, I had only met them for a short time before at a bonfire. I feel like I wouldn’t mind getting to know them a bit better as well.
    Now seeing as I over think everything, what can I take away from this evening? Well the whole invite came as a surprise to me. My first impression at the bonfire was not the most welcoming one. In fact I seemed to be the person in the way of this group talking to my gf, their friend. I was not trying to do this. I simply had a “it would be funner if you weren’t here” sort of vibe. So why invite me to another event? And without my gf! …. I’m still a bit puzzled about this but I’m trying to find this out. If my gf talks about me like I feel she does, one will of course become curious. They probably wanted to know a bit more about me. Honestly, my gf doesn’t talk about them much so I wanted the same. That probably sounds bad. She sometimes tells me what they all do as the group just not really about them individually. I only knew a few names before I met them.
    It was a bit awkward at first. Once we got passed the questions of why I wasn’t also in Hawaii (which was mostly a “well I was kinda not invited and/or told I couldn’t come) it got better after that. (I forgot to mention that in my last post) Anyway, I think I laughed more tonight than I have since I was back up north with my friends in the dorm. I can’t remember the name, but it had questions, improve and other sorts of turn based embarrassment. I truly hate games like that but with the right crowd, I always walk away having had a good time. As long as I never have to sing or hum. Which thankfully I didn’t … this time.
    I’m not sure what to make of this evening. I suppose I’ll get a chance to talk about it when my gf gets back. The combination of the time difference and her staying very busy makes for tricky communication. I will of course be patient though. Things will sort themselves out. Eventually.


Have a nice trip

     Well, my darling girlfriend has finally left for her vacation to Hawaii. She went with the two professors she is living with and her sister. They had invited both my gf and her sister at their expense. I am truly happy that she was given such an opportunity and cannot feel greatful enough for the generosity of these very fine people. However, due to an uncontrollable envy and selfishness, this is a somewhat challenging situation.
    Let me start out by stating the obvious. I wish I could have gone. There are a number of reasons why this should not be but only two from what I can think of truly prevented this.
    The first reason is I would have been financial. I would have had to pay my way. Even if the generous professors had extended an invite towards me with expenses taken care of, I am not sure I would have been comfortable with accepting that. Long story short, I have grown up in a family that felt strongly towards working towards what you want and never (unless it’s a small gift) rely on the generosity of others. I believe it ties into that feeling of never wanting to owe anyone which is very strong in my family. Regardless, the generous professors did not offer to pay so I would have. This would have most certainly cost more than I have. Also, with my pending payment for a class at the local college here, I cannot afford to spend anything more than what I have now. I’m not sure how much a plane ticket would have cost but I believe this class costs about the same. Maybe a $100 less. Due to me being a guest student, I have to pay out of pocket.
    The second reason is that I was not welcome. My girlfriend has known the generous professors almost all her life. She has grown up with not only the blessing of their friendship with her family, but the continuous generosity they have always displayed. They truly care about my dear and they always have. Far longer than I have had the honor of knowing her. They want nothing more than to for my gf to succeed and build the best life she can. Hawaii is not the first, nor the largest act of generosity towards my dear gf. The reason I believe I am not welcome is because they have not expressed a keen eye towards myself. I am a very shy individual and they are not very talkative or overly welcoming people. I try to do well in school and I try to give my gf all the encouragement and love I can but they seem to see me as a detriment towards the plans they have for my gf. They are not openly hostile, nor has any verbal communication come forth to confirm my suspicions, but certain actions and ques have repeatedly suggested these sentiments.
    I must admit, I have not been doing the best job at making myself a likeable young man in their eyes. Every time I come over I am with my gf in her room or the living room always separate from them. Whenever I am over, either her sister is there or it is just the two of us hanging out separately from the professors. I have suggested a few times to my gf that we should hang out with them or let them try to get to know me but I have yet to see this happen. My constant separation from them has led to a clear divide between activities they do with my gf and activities I do with my gf. I have never received an invite from them to do any activities with them and my gf. Nor have I had an opportunity to invite them somewhere. There is a clear separation between the groups in my gf’s life. In order for me to always be there, I need to break through the walls and put myself into these groups. I am trying to do this but as I have stated above, this is somewhat challenging.
    For now, my gf is in Hawaii and I am here. There is so much more to say about this but I fear if I go on, either my anonymity will be put at risk or I will simply say something I’ll regret later. I have a lot of work to do this summer. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it but I’ll give it everything I have. I just wish it wasn’t so fucking hard.

“Why thank you!”

    You know, I got to thinking the just now. What is easier when hungry, turning down or excepting food from a stranger? At first my thought was “well of course less food is harder than more, so turning down is harder”. Then I got thinking and I realized something. Why is it, when I’m not feeling great or just not wishing to be social, do I always turn down food? Why, when someone offers me a cookie or candy, do I politely decline? This led me to wonder whether or not declining is easier. If I’m not in the mood for something, I don’t put an effort towards that. Regardless of my hunger, I will almost always refuse food while I’m stooping in a sour mood.
    Of course every circumstance is different. It might not be a matter of choosing a lazy path, it could just be stubbornness. But what about the times where you’re not in a bad mood and you still don’t welcome an offered morsel? There are still those times where you, despite being hungry, you just don’t want to get into that. But why though? Why can’t people just take the darn breakfasts bar?

All I really want in life.

When it all boils down to it. There are very few things I truly desire in life. Now before I go on, I must clarify. This is not to be a list of the items that fallow the statements “It would be wonderful to have that” or “It would be nice to live there”. Although those that list can be important when it comes to motivation, it is still a very secular view of how I tend to perceive success. Financial wealth is a luxury and a bi-product of hard work and dedication. I admire many of the people who were able to climb this ladder to the top because they were inspired to work hard in life. This is not what I value. Wealth in my eyes goes beyond the material standing. Wealth is not strictly what you gain, but also what you gave. When I say I have very few things I desire in life. This is the approach I have. I wish to leave my mark on this world. I wish to make a difference for the better. Allow me to elaborate.

Now I feel that the statement I made above “Wealth is not strictly what you gain, but also what you gave.” this has been said before. I cannot recall who but I dare not take credit. This statement however highlights what I believe it means to be truly successful in life. To succeed with how many lives you have touched. Another (perhaps butchered quote) comes to mind. It requires a bit of an anecdote, so bear with me.

There is a man who is sitting on a log with two children on his lap while a few others stand beside him. This man who we know nothing about is laughing and smiling as he seems to entertain the children all huddled around him. As you observe this pleasant sight, someone says “Now there’s a man who is truly wealthy”.

     I could have swore I read this somewhere but it is 2am and I wish to proceed with my thought rather than properly cite my sources. This small and insignificant seeming man makes an impact on those around him. This man is happy regardless of what happens or what has happened, he is happy to be a father figure to these young children. I feel a good father figure has some of the most incredible wealth imaginable. Bill Gate’s wealth (which I believe was above 52 billion, last I heard) cannot compare to the love and sacrifice a given by good parents. The greatest gift parents can give to their child is life. There is nothing more profound and meaningful than that. I don’t think I will ever deserve what my parents have given me. They have brought me into this world to experience everything. They raised me from birth to the point I left home. They gave everything and now ask for next to nothing. What am I supposed to do with that?

Life is an incredible gift. In a way, to give what you have been given can also be very powerful. That is why I wish to become a father. I have little faith that I will be perfect. The lord knows my parents weren’t perfect, but it was because of them I am here. I’m here to take on everything life has to offer because of them. The shit storms and the beauty. Now that I am a little older and I have experienced a fair amount, I think I’m starting to realize how amazing life can be. I have had some (mild) scarring experiences in my life and I have also met a someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. The fact that life has it’s drastically different contrasts does not taint life. It enhances life. Not to say have been through horrible times, nor am I saying have I escaped them, but things never look quite as good until after you’ve gone through some rough times. Somewhat like a loved one getting in an accident. With one phone call you’ve got your priorities figured out.

We are each only here for a very short time. We’re just one worm of existence in the 4th dimension. Or a point in the 5th. There is very little we can do to effect what happens on our planet, and even less in the universe. Wealth (for me) is not in what you wish to gain through the time you have, but rather, the time you can give. I want to be a dad.

For all those dad’s out there who inspire me: Destin Sandlin, Jon Schmidt, Steven Sharp Nelson, Paul Anderson, Al van der Beek, of course my father, and probably many others I am forgetting. Look out, I’m going to try and join the club.


After a long and busy few months, I finally came to the end of Andy Weir’s incredible story; Martian. I loved that book so much. I have had several truly grabbing books in my life, but few are quite as cool as Martian. I am a lover and lifetime advocate of space travel. Astronomy fascinates me more than any other subject. What goes on beyond our pale blue dot will never cease to amaze me. Ever since I was a young boy, reading all the space books I could grab from the library, I have dreamed of space travel. Or at least involvement in the effort of space exploration. This book touched upon the dreams of my childhood in a way no other book has. The incredible intelligence seen in our beloved protagonist, Mark, his amazing ability to constantly think, innovate and make plans is nothing less than a lifelong dream for me. I wish I could be just like Mark in so many ways. Even to have his humor. No, especially to have his humor. There really is a certain charm to sarcasm when used correctly. Andy Weir did a truly wonderful job using this humor in such a pleasant and fitting way. I wonder how far my own thoughts would travel while being stranded alone on the red planet. Ignoring the emense amount of knowledge needed to survive, would I be clever enough to coin the phrase “space pirate”? I surely hope so.
Gosh I wish I was more clever. I should go to sleep now. I have homework that needs doing. … In the morning. … Or whenever.

Thoughts on my mind.

   So …. I have been trying to come up with a rough plan with my life. That alone is pretty weird for me. I mean, I’ve kinda just grown up taking life as it came at me. Now I’m trying to guide my life to a goal! It’s kind of weird knowing that you want something like this. The thought that makes you think if you don’t get it, than nothing else matters.
    Here’s kind of the deal. I need to save up. I need to stockpile money like I’ve never done before. I need scholarships, internships, jobs … Anything I can get. … I wish I could blert things out but this dream of mine requires some careful planning and …. Well … A little secrecy. If it all goes well, I’ll be both terrified and blissful.
    I’ve been thinking I should stay up here in Marquette for the summer. After all, my job isn’t horrible and it leaves room for other jobs and stuff. If I could get a couple more part time jobs, maybe a local internship, I’d be set. I could pay bills and save up! Of course, life always has its unexpected hurtles. How do you plan for those though. The only thing I think I should do is make a decent plan from the options I have, then stick with it. Take the path till it takes me. Sweep myself into my future. … Ok that’s enough climactic sentences that make little sense.
    Katrina’s (my darling’s) dad is coming down from Alaska this summer to grab more personal items for their new home way up there. (Actually it’s technically more west but whatever) I’m not sure who or even how many people would be interested in riding the 6 day drive up with him. I certainly I’m though. I would love a drive like that! I never (ok rarely) tire of driving. The idea of riding for so long and on the scenic routes to Alaska no less. It truly sounds incredible. There’s just one catch. (Aside from their might not being room) I would be spending 6 consecutive days in close proximity to my girlfriend’s father. …. Yeah. ….. Why do I want to do this? Well aside from the natural intimidation that comes with my position, I don’t feel all that uncomfortable with that. Let’s face it, I have been blessed with meeting, getting to know and falling in love with his little girl. If there’s anyone who can relate to the deep connections and feelings I have for Katrina, its him. I’m still uneasy when I’m in his presence but at the same time. I’ve done my best to maintain respectfulness, honorable intentions, a keen ear and all around gentlemanly behavior both not only while he’s present but also (and sometimes more importantly) outside his presence. Maybe I’m crazy but I’m thinking I might have done an ok job at that. He doesn’t seem to hate me and so …. I think that’s a step in the right direction. Right? .. I don’t know. Life is a box of pending f*** ups. Lol. Maybe I got that qoute wrong. I can’t help it. I’m an overly pessimistic fellow. I should have got some homework done instead of writing this post but eh … I wouldn’t have got much done. Not enough anyway.
    I think I’ll go to sleep now. Maybe I’ll have pleasant dreams of the future. Who knows what it holds.

    You know what happened after God made Saturn?
     He liked it so much, he put a ring on it.

    HA! Alright. I’ll sleep now.

Just a little catching up.

   I really need to stop using my blog as a journal. It makes it so boring when I do. I made this blog with good intentions of creative thought and constructive writing, but it’s only become a sort of dumping ground. Nothing more than a place for all the experiences, thoughts and happening that go on within my slightly complex life. I wish I could just write something clearly and concisely like I know some writers can. They write a short blog post every day that keeps everything up to date. I wanted to do that, I just get carried away! …. See look! … Nothing significant has been said yet. …. Gosh darn it. I’m starting over. Should I post this?….. Eh, sure.

Christmas break (part 2)

   There was a couple pretty major things that happened on and after Christmas. My sister Emily is now engaged to a gentleman she met here in Marquette and had grown close to. That came as a surprise to most everyone in my family. The proposal was a little awkward (a trend that I am beginning to see is not so uncommon) with a misunderstanding of gifts under the tree. My father had grabbed the small parcel thinking it was a small gift from my mother. She promptly opened it at the same time as another gift was being opened by someone else. This caused a bit of suspense when she gasped and we had to wait for the unobservant people in our crowd to quit talking. It all turned out well though. Drew soon saw his moment and promptly dropped to one nee and proposed. It both warmed my heart and left me slightly unnerved. (not exactly sure why) Especially when my Katrina gave me a look that suggested desire. ….. All in due time, my dear. …. This event left me startled but fairly pleased. Drew is a nice fellow who seems to have a serious interest in taking care of my sister. This is more than I could have asked for, all things considered. Nobody’s perfect, but I have grown more fond of the fellow. Especially since the other major thing that happened over Christmas break.
   It was the day after Christmas. My family had just had Christmas with my Grandparents and they had left to go home. It was only some family members and friends remaining. I was upstairs with my sister Skyping my friend. (Well my sister was actually. They seem to have taken a liking to each other. I was waiting eagerly for Katrina’s return from her trip away earlier that day. Suddenly my sister’s phone rings. I see that it’s Katrina so I answer it. “Hi babe!” I say in a chipper tone. “Peter!” She says to me repeatedly in a breathless terrified voice, “I’ve been in an accident!”. My heart dropped so far and so fast I couldn’t think straight. “What? .. Where are you? Are you hurt? Where are you?” I began speaking fast as I held back the building panic in my chest. “Past Minard Mill” she said sounding as though it was difficult speaking. I was halfway downstairs by now and soon lost reception there. Without thinking I grabbed my phone. Told my mother and those present that Katrina had gotten in an accident then headed for the door. My father jumped to his feet and said he was coming, Drew did the same. The three of us slip on some winter garments and race out the door. I’m dialing up Katrina as I hop in my truck. I hand the phone to my dad and he talks to her as I drive. He’s speaking in a calm and soft tone. My thoughts are racing. I kept thinking of how she sounded when I spoke to her. I didn’t know if she was standing outside the wreck on the phone or pinned in a crumpled car dying. The word terror does not fully express my feelings at that time. “Slow down, we’ll get there” My father says in a calm tone. I realize my mistake and begin to regain my senses while trying to calm myself. We didn’t know where she was at but I knew it had to be close because she was headed back to my house. Suddenly we round a bend and see a car pulled over and two figures standing on the opposite side of the road. There’s a faint glow like headlights coming from down in the ditch. A feeling of slight relief rushes over me as I see that Katrina is visibly unharmed and standing. I drive around and pull. Without thinking I jump out and run to embrace Katrina. She’s crying and holding a water bottle. The gentleman who stopped after seeing headlights in a ditch sees that he is no longer needed and starts to walk away. Someone says thank you and that reminds me to do the same. “Thank you!” I say over Katrina’s shoulder. I wasn’t ready to let go. In that moment I was slowly beginning to realize who I couldn’t live without. I realize now that it wasn’t just Katrina who almost died that day.
   After I am satisfied with my embrace, I guide her to my tailgate to sit while I survey the damage. Dad and Drew are already gathering items that had flown out the windows. One of the items was her Macbook. (Other than a new dent, it seemed to be unharmed) It was a single car accident where she had lost control coming around a left curve. We assume hydroplaning or maybe a layer of thin ice was the cause of it. The back of the car must have started drifting as it came around the bend but soon got caught on the inner edge of the curve as it slid down into the ditch. The right side of the car smacked into the tree blowing out all the windows on that side plus the back and crunching part of the windshield. The car had spun around ending up facing the opposite directions she has come. The mechanics of the car seemed to be fairly unharmed but the damage to the body plus a bend in the frame told us that Stanley (the car’s name) was done. We talked things over and decided that my truck could pull it out. So we hook up my tow strap, turn on the 4 wheel low and crawl it out of the ditch. Stanley was still drivable so my dad drove it home as I fallowed. Feelings of sentiment pass over me as I see the car that was wrecked and yet left my girl nearly unharmed. Katrina walked away with a number of bruises and a bump on the head but nothing of serious consequences. God was most definitely looking out for her little angel that night and I was given a revelation. I did not spend a day away from Katrina till I had to leave for my job back up north, and that was no easy task. That Sunday, as she sang in the church choir, she never sounded more beautiful. Every moment from then on seemed to have more light in it. I don’t want to ever experience something like that again but I should probably thank it for showing me who I truly love.
     There’s not much else that happened over Christmas break. I got to celebrate New Years Eve with Katrina and my parents. Most my family members left to “go have fun” but Katrina and I watched The Princess Bride with my parents. I thoroughly enjoyed that.
I left on the 5th without tears or severe heartache. I know who I love and I think she truly cares about me. That, honestly, is all I need. I don’t know what this new year holds for me, but I’m thinking Katrina will be a big part of it.
   Wish me luck this semester. … I can’t believe I have to retake Calculus.

Here’s a recording of an angel singing after her accident. Pity the quality wasn’t great.

Christmas Break (part 1)

Well … A lot has happened since my last post in November. Basically all of Christmas break and then some. In this new year I have decided to write a post at least once a week. I’m hoping that won’t be too difficult. Perhaps if I concentrate on making my posts a 5 minute activity rather than a 15 minute one. That would most certainly make this easier. But still, I have a lot to catch up on so … here goes.
   My classes ended with a pretty good bang this past semester with pretty good  grades. I did fairly well in all but Calculus, which I dropped and will be retaking this winter semester. I didn’t quite get a 4.0 on all of my classes but considering the major challenge in them, a B and an A- aren’t as bad as I had expected. I’m greatful and somewhat motivated to do well this next semester. My plate will have a lot more on it but for some reason I feel more capable. Perhaps my life has suddenly become more clear to me as of late. I think this Christmas break had something to do with it.
   Christmas break started a little later than I would have liked due to hours that needed to be filled at Target Mobile (where I work) after school ended. I moved out of the  dorms and stayed with my sister while I worked the week after school ended and before I wanted to leave on the 20th. It all turned out well though. I had time to get most my Christmas shopping done up here and made a little extra money with the extra hours. I also made a little extra for a number of phone sales.
   I drove home on the 20th with my cousin from Michigan Tech. Although I enjoy driving alone on the long trek back home, George is a fun guy to be around. Especially when we get talking and I end up learning things from his … dare I say … somewhat superior intelligence. It seems like I always learn something fun or mathy while riding with him. We arrived late that night. We said hi to my family and I said hi to the family Yorkies. Both of which I hadn’t seen since Thanksgiving last month. The next day I got to see my girlfriend Katrina whom (despite the great love I carry for my family) I had missed most since my last visit. I had drove to her house to have lunch with her and her sister. I’ll spare anyone reading the warm sentiments that were experienced with this long awaited connection. Something that provoked a “gross” from Katrina’s sister Alex who doesn’t seem to care about such things. (At least not openly) 😉
   That evening Katrina, her sister and most everyone in my family plus some friends all went to see the new Star Wars. This was a lot of fun but I’ll have to refrain from talking about it till I have time for another post. I might go off on a tangent here if I start picking apart my opinion of it. All that I feel I need to say now is that I liked it and look forward to seeing it again. (Hopefully before school starts)
   The days leading up to Christmas were exiting enough but my post is getting a little long for all trifles that went on between then and Christmas. On Christmas morning I woke up at about 9am. A very late time compared to previous years. Perhaps this is a sign of me growing up. …. I would doubt that though.
   The gifts were all very nice. I’m proud to say that Katrina made me lemon bars for one of her gifts to me. A delicious treat I value quite highly. Hopefully she likes the watch, gloves and other small things I got her. I wanted to make her something carved out of wood,  (Something I did almost every year for those close to me) but alas, 4 days was not enough time to make something. I will try for something like that next year. Or perhaps her birthday if I can manage that. I was also given a homemade quilt by my mom who had (unbeknownst to me) been gathering material for it since the summer. It truly is a work of art. It is space themed with a stary blue nebulas like background with a wood like fabric dividing the scene into small squares. This gives it a look something like a window with many cross beams stretching horizontally and vertically across the quilt. I love it very much and look forward to showing it off to my friends in the dorm up here.
   I enjoyed my Christmas tremendously. Seeing my family all together again with the general happiness that  Christmas seems to spark was a welcoming sight for me. Especially since I hadn’t seen that since … well …. last Christmas. There were some pretty major things that happened later on Christmas day and later in the fallowing week that I must also address, but this post is getting a bit long so ……..
End of part one.