This very moment I am flying to Seattle aboard an Alaskan airline. This is my first flight ever. The word excited does not fully express how I feel right now. I have wanted to fly my entire life. To finally get to see the tops of of the clouds is truly blissful. I struggle to write this post because I can’t stop looking out the window. It’s so amazing to look down and see the perfectly organized plots of land divided by the thin threads of winding roads. Truly remarkable. I haven’t seen real mountains yet so it’s hard for me to describe clouds as mountainous but that’s the only word that comes to my mind. I just can’t get over how beautiful it is. I wish I could see this view every day. I have my doubts towards ever having an opportunity to fly commercially but I will certainly pursue getting a private pilot’s license. Looking out the window, I keep thinking how I don’t want it to end. It’s a little uncomfortable how close I am to a stranger but I just love this. I do get to have my dear girlfriend, Katrina with me. We were able to sit next to each other. She enjoys flying but has seen it enough to not care that much. I wonder if I could ever feel like that.She compared the first-flight experience to seeing an ocean for the first time. I can understand that and I do truly enjoy the beauty that holds. Two shades of blue divided by the incredibly straight line we call the horizon. It really is a wonderful sight to see but I feel different now compared to how I felt in that first experience. Flight is incredible. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get tired of it.
First of all, let me say that the title of this post may sound similar to a book title. (I believe) Don’t get these mixed up. This mind ramble I am prefacing is nothing but personal thoughts at the moment
Feelings, moods, temperaments, attitudes and other such mental related states. These all play big roles in defining who we are and how we live every day. The paths we take in a day depend greatly on our frame of mind. When it comes to eating a meal, working hard, listening to someone and many other tasks, each employment of our mental faculties depend greatly on how we feel and our current moods. Many of our instincts in certain moods help us in those times that we need it. In a bad mood our lack of social contact may help prevent hurt on another by an accidental slip of the tongue.In a case of a good mood we may feel inclined to give our good friends a pat on the back.My question, to the corner of the internet I hope few visit, is this. Do feelings and moods truly matter?
My plan was to go on ranting about it but my eyes are trying to close so I’ll have to make a part 2.
One of the odd things about selfishness is that even though you’re making yourself primary, most of the time we don’t realize we are doing it. In our culture it has become so habitual to say the me, I and my words that we can’t even tell how much of our conversation contains ourselves. In the book How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie, I believe he mentioned how people love talking about themselves and therefore a good listener is often liked. (Don’t quote me on that though, it’s been years since I didn’t finish that book) I have often wondered when I have to “endure” listening to someone talk, if I am being selfless by listening, or selfish by wishing I could speak my thoughts. Me, my, myself. Is the desire for someone to stifle their rambling a selfish one? Or is this a reasonable desire for our own involvement? Honestly, sometimes I really wish I could unload a little. I do sometimes. Actually probably more than I should at times. I just happen to be so picky with my listeners and I simply detest “small talk”. Gosh I hate small talk. Well, only if it goes nowhere. Small talk that fill the task of “catching you up” with events of the day or meals. Most anything can break from pointless small talk but only (I believe) if the speaker is asking for involvement.
Ok. I might have something with that. What do I mean by “asking for involvement”? Let me venture a little. If someone speaks and no feedback is given, this could be small talk. If someone speaks tailoring their speech for feedback. This could also be small talk but there is an opportunity for more. Now, if someone speaks not either caring for or expecting feedback, this is small talk. So here’s my idea. I might be getting annoyed at the seemingly selfish speech coming from my friend because it does not seem to involve myself by needing or inviting feedback. The words that convey an event are simply told and not discussed. …. hmmm. Ponder this, I will. I need to call my gf.
Well … I was a bit of a baby in my last post. I will admit that my wording and attitude was rather sour. I pretty much ran to this blog kicking and screaming like a spoiled child and whining about things I could not have. This was very selfish of me. I am sorry to those who’s legacy as truly remarkable people was attempted to be tarnished. I may never be able to express my gratitude towards those who give so much, but I truly am grateful. I absolutely love that my gf was given an opportunity to experience something as incredible as Hawaii.
I love her so very much and I miss her terribly. She has been keeping me in the loop as much as the time difference and Hawaii’s cell reception will allow. I wish she’d text more casually but I suppose it’s hard when I don’t have much to add to her excitement. I hope when she comes back she will fill in at least some of the silent gaps of communication. It feels like I don’t know what’s going on over there but I look forward to hearing about all later. I wonder if my dear is writing any of her experiences down. I should inquire on that tomorrow.
I was invited to a game night this evening by one of my gf’s classmate friends. He was getting together the usual group (minus my gf because she’s in Hawaii) and somewhat randomly sent me an invite. Not sure what spawned that idea but I was really happy for the company.
It was a very fun evening with super smash bros, pizza and several board games. I (of course) was probably rather awkward but I did my best to be friendly, personable and engaging. I really did enjoy each and every one of them. The host this evening, who was also the person who invited me, he was very polite and friendly. All of the people there seemed to not even care that I wasn’t really part of the group. I mean, I had only met them for a short time before at a bonfire. I feel like I wouldn’t mind getting to know them a bit better as well.
Now seeing as I over think everything, what can I take away from this evening? Well the whole invite came as a surprise to me. My first impression at the bonfire was not the most welcoming one. In fact I seemed to be the person in the way of this group talking to my gf, their friend. I was not trying to do this. I simply had a “it would be funner if you weren’t here” sort of vibe. So why invite me to another event? And without my gf! …. I’m still a bit puzzled about this but I’m trying to find this out. If my gf talks about me like I feel she does, one will of course become curious. They probably wanted to know a bit more about me. Honestly, my gf doesn’t talk about them much so I wanted the same. That probably sounds bad. She sometimes tells me what they all do as the group just not really about them individually. I only knew a few names before I met them.
It was a bit awkward at first. Once we got passed the questions of why I wasn’t also in Hawaii (which was mostly a “well I was kinda not invited and/or told I couldn’t come) it got better after that. (I forgot to mention that in my last post) Anyway, I think I laughed more tonight than I have since I was back up north with my friends in the dorm. I can’t remember the name, but it had questions, improve and other sorts of turn based embarrassment. I truly hate games like that but with the right crowd, I always walk away having had a good time. As long as I never have to sing or hum. Which thankfully I didn’t … this time.
I’m not sure what to make of this evening. I suppose I’ll get a chance to talk about it when my gf gets back. The combination of the time difference and her staying very busy makes for tricky communication. I will of course be patient though. Things will sort themselves out. Eventually.
Well, my darling girlfriend has finally left for her vacation to Hawaii. She went with the two professors she is living with and her sister. They had invited both my gf and her sister at their expense. I am truly happy that she was given such an opportunity and cannot feel greatful enough for the generosity of these very fine people. However, due to an uncontrollable envy and selfishness, this is a somewhat challenging situation.
Let me start out by stating the obvious. I wish I could have gone. There are a number of reasons why this should not be but only two from what I can think of truly prevented this.
The first reason is I would have been financial. I would have had to pay my way. Even if the generous professors had extended an invite towards me with expenses taken care of, I am not sure I would have been comfortable with accepting that. Long story short, I have grown up in a family that felt strongly towards working towards what you want and never (unless it’s a small gift) rely on the generosity of others. I believe it ties into that feeling of never wanting to owe anyone which is very strong in my family. Regardless, the generous professors did not offer to pay so I would have. This would have most certainly cost more than I have. Also, with my pending payment for a class at the local college here, I cannot afford to spend anything more than what I have now. I’m not sure how much a plane ticket would have cost but I believe this class costs about the same. Maybe a $100 less. Due to me being a guest student, I have to pay out of pocket.
The second reason is that I was not welcome. My girlfriend has known the generous professors almost all her life. She has grown up with not only the blessing of their friendship with her family, but the continuous generosity they have always displayed. They truly care about my dear and they always have. Far longer than I have had the honor of knowing her. They want nothing more than to for my gf to succeed and build the best life she can. Hawaii is not the first, nor the largest act of generosity towards my dear gf. The reason I believe I am not welcome is because they have not expressed a keen eye towards myself. I am a very shy individual and they are not very talkative or overly welcoming people. I try to do well in school and I try to give my gf all the encouragement and love I can but they seem to see me as a detriment towards the plans they have for my gf. They are not openly hostile, nor has any verbal communication come forth to confirm my suspicions, but certain actions and ques have repeatedly suggested these sentiments.
I must admit, I have not been doing the best job at making myself a likeable young man in their eyes. Every time I come over I am with my gf in her room or the living room always separate from them. Whenever I am over, either her sister is there or it is just the two of us hanging out separately from the professors. I have suggested a few times to my gf that we should hang out with them or let them try to get to know me but I have yet to see this happen. My constant separation from them has led to a clear divide between activities they do with my gf and activities I do with my gf. I have never received an invite from them to do any activities with them and my gf. Nor have I had an opportunity to invite them somewhere. There is a clear separation between the groups in my gf’s life. In order for me to always be there, I need to break through the walls and put myself into these groups. I am trying to do this but as I have stated above, this is somewhat challenging.
For now, my gf is in Hawaii and I am here. There is so much more to say about this but I fear if I go on, either my anonymity will be put at risk or I will simply say something I’ll regret later. I have a lot of work to do this summer. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it but I’ll give it everything I have. I just wish it wasn’t so fucking hard.
When it all boils down to it. There are very few things I truly desire in life. Now before I go on, I must clarify. This is not to be a list of the items that fallow the statements “It would be wonderful to have that” or “It would be nice to live there”. Although those that list can be important when it comes to motivation, it is still a very secular view of how I tend to perceive success. Financial wealth is a luxury and a bi-product of hard work and dedication. I admire many of the people who were able to climb this ladder to the top because they were inspired to work hard in life. This is not what I value. Wealth in my eyes goes beyond the material standing. Wealth is not strictly what you gain, but also what you gave. When I say I have very few things I desire in life. This is the approach I have. I wish to leave my mark on this world. I wish to make a difference for the better. Allow me to elaborate.
Now I feel that the statement I made above “Wealth is not strictly what you gain, but also what you gave.” this has been said before. I cannot recall who but I dare not take credit. This statement however highlights what I believe it means to be truly successful in life. To succeed with how many lives you have touched. Another (perhaps butchered quote) comes to mind. It requires a bit of an anecdote, so bear with me.
There is a man who is sitting on a log with two children on his lap while a few others stand beside him. This man who we know nothing about is laughing and smiling as he seems to entertain the children all huddled around him. As you observe this pleasant sight, someone says “Now there’s a man who is truly wealthy”.
I could have swore I read this somewhere but it is 2am and I wish to proceed with my thought rather than properly cite my sources. This small and insignificant seeming man makes an impact on those around him. This man is happy regardless of what happens or what has happened, he is happy to be a father figure to these young children. I feel a good father figure has some of the most incredible wealth imaginable. Bill Gate’s wealth (which I believe was above 52 billion, last I heard) cannot compare to the love and sacrifice a given by good parents. The greatest gift parents can give to their child is life. There is nothing more profound and meaningful than that. I don’t think I will ever deserve what my parents have given me. They have brought me into this world to experience everything. They raised me from birth to the point I left home. They gave everything and now ask for next to nothing. What am I supposed to do with that?
Life is an incredible gift. In a way, to give what you have been given can also be very powerful. That is why I wish to become a father. I have little faith that I will be perfect. The lord knows my parents weren’t perfect, but it was because of them I am here. I’m here to take on everything life has to offer because of them. The shit storms and the beauty. Now that I am a little older and I have experienced a fair amount, I think I’m starting to realize how amazing life can be. I have had some (mild) scarring experiences in my life and I have also met a someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. The fact that life has it’s drastically different contrasts does not taint life. It enhances life. Not to say have been through horrible times, nor am I saying have I escaped them, but things never look quite as good until after you’ve gone through some rough times. Somewhat like a loved one getting in an accident. With one phone call you’ve got your priorities figured out.
We are each only here for a very short time. We’re just one worm of existence in the 4th dimension. Or a point in the 5th. There is very little we can do to effect what happens on our planet, and even less in the universe. Wealth (for me) is not in what you wish to gain through the time you have, but rather, the time you can give. I want to be a dad.
For all those dad’s out there who inspire me: Destin Sandlin, Jon Schmidt, Steven Sharp Nelson, Paul Anderson, Al van der Beek, of course my father, and probably many others I am forgetting. Look out, I’m going to try and join the club.