Troubled night

I have been having a rather troubled night this evening. I can’t quite place a reason why. I feel an extreme weight. Something I do not understand fully. I have had a lot on my mind these past few days. The future looks like a giant question mark most of the time with very little promises towards my hopes and dreams of the near future. I keep chugging away as the days roll by but I keep getting the feeling that before I can graduate, I’m going to reach the inverted U curve of my intelligence and this reach a barring point for my career. There are days when I wonder if I should drop out of this race entirely and seek to establish my own place in the computer science field. I have no idea how I would achieve that and so the idea is quickly shunned. However, I can never fully erase that thought from my mind

I am not very good at school. Especially (it would seem) this semester. In my previous post I had said something about my struggles in my math class. (Calc, to be more specific) Sadly my grades never improved. My instructor recommended that I drop the course and thus prevent the risk of damaging my GPA. That really hit me hard. I have never failed a class before. I have come close, but never failed. Although this is technically not a failure in the sense that it isn’t a failing grade, I know it would have been and so that’s how I see it.

Although school kind of is my biggest worry, I still have lots of other problems I think about frequently. Money is a big issue. Especially when I am trying to save and I keep seeing everything I make go out just as quickly as I can bring it in. The hardest part about me struggling with my troubles that cause my … (dare I say) … depression, is that it makes me shut up a lot when I’m being talked to about it. My dear girlfriend Katrina, whom I love so much, has to persist to get me to just say what’s wrong. To be honest. I’m not even sure what’s wrong half the time. Sometimes I just feel so down about everything I can’t pin point an issue I would like to talk about. I need to work harder on communicating.

I can’t concentrate on a post right now. It’s 3:30 in the morning and I can’t keep my eyes open.



A random update.

This is nearly the end of my first week at Northern Michigan University. I think it went pretty well all things considered. I have ended up making more … friends than I had originally expected. After living in Marquette for about 10 now, I’ve started to figure out a little more of what this will be like.
  First I think I should talk about dorm life. It is different. One minute I’m in my own private settlement, reading a book or something. The next minute I’m standing in my bedroom doorway talking with a group of people I don’t know. Chatting it up like they’ve known me forever. It’s weird and sometimes kinda pleasant. Due to the fact I that my roommate has a girlfriend and ends up spending lots of time in her dorm, I actually get a lot more alone time than I expected. This is really nice for me. My dorm is a perfect place to be my alone and introverted self. A place to recharge my social batteries. However, although I can be happy with isolation and solitude, I do have a yearning for company. Occasionally a group in the dorm will assemble and spontaneously plan a trip somewhere. If I happen to be present, I will often receive an invite. Normally I probably would decline but this is where I’ll surprise myself by saying yes.  “SURE I’ll come with you guys” I might say to a fellow housemate.
  Basically I like it so far. This semester is going to be an interesting experience. I’m not sure what to expect. I think it’ll be better than I thought. I do miss my family though. A lot. I’ve been doing alright so far with putting the thoughts of home in the back of my mind. Although today I was scrolling through pictures I think and I had … Shall we say a brush of nostalgia. I feel like I’m holding back a pending sadnesses. It’ll be a while but I’m probably going to shed a tear or two do to missing some people.
I’m so tired, but I have to talk about one more thing.
  So I REALLY like my calc instructor. He’s super awesome and incredibly  nice. He’s Canadian. Today I was struggling a lot with a particular math problem and so I decided to visit him in his office. He was so helpful and so patient. I really have been blessed this semester with a teacher I believe I can connect to. After he helped me, we ended up furthering our discussion of math by using the equations again in our own questions. After that we started discussing the philosophy behind math. I mentioned learning some this topic online through some of my favorite YouTubers like vHeart, Minute Physics and Numberphile. Turned out he also watches YouTube and had seen many of the videos I had seen. Our discussion turned from toy magnets to the three primary philosophical positions mathematicians typically hold. The Platonists, the Nominalists and the Fictionallists. Each of these are described quite well in NumberPhile’s video “Do numbers really exist?”. I was so excited and I think he was too. To refresh our memory he looked up the video and we watched most of it but didn’t finish because we kept pausing to discuss thoughts and opinions. We even touched on the question of how you define existence. I really hope my next visit ends with something like that again. This instructor is so cool.
I think I’ll sleep now.
I’ll check this post out for errors later.

A random update.

Looks like my summer is coming to an end. I have around a dozen days left before I depart for my semester at NMU. Although I look forward to the upcoming adventure, I can’t help but continue to question my decision to go up there. I’m not quite sure why I feel rather uneasy about the whole thing. Perhaps I wonder if it’s possible for me to build my own social group from scratch, maybe I’m worried about getting a job up there or maybe I’m just feeling the pull to stay in my home town.

     Funny thing about this summer. My first evaluation of it would be something of a bore. This is due to the somewhat nonstop work I have had. I blame no one for this. I needed funds more than I needed fun this summer. It’s just that I didn’t find time to do the many things I had planned to do. I had made a short list of things I wanted to do after I finishing my winter semester at the local community college. My list included canoeing, bike riding, playing some of my favorite video games and catching up on a lot of reading. Sadly my list has remained somewhat untouched since it’s composition. Away from work, I feel as if I have done almost nothing this summer.

    However, at the same time it has been the most extraordinary summer I have ever had. Early this year I met a girl. A kind, interesting, beautiful, sweet girl. Fate put us in a class together and with little credit to myself, our friendship grew closer and closer onto the point at which it blossomed into a very meaningful relationship. I have learned a lot through my dear girlfriend. She has shown me not only what it is like to care deeply for another, but also what it is like to be deeply cared for. At first, I admit I was very cautious. I did not give her my heart as a whole on the first day I spotted her. Nor even the day I first heard her speak to me. No, I feel as though I through gentle encouragement and quiet patients, I have been slowly giving her pieces of my heart. Through deep conversation and quiet gestures, she has slowly built up a collection of who I am and what I hold most dear. I have never known what it is like to love, but I do believe that if something were to happen, I would not be the same person of who’s heart she now possesses.

     I would also like to say a brief thing about meeting her family. They have been most kind and understanding to me. I am happy to say that they were skeptical of me at first. Saying little to me, I often felt as though I was under a close and scrupulous examination. It was a little discomforting but I honestly preferred it this way. It shows a tightly wound family who truly care about each other. (Especially how much her parents care about her) I would find it rather unnerving if a family were to welcome me into their lives with no more than a quick assessment. However, pleasing this family was not as hard as one might think. (at least it wasn’t for me) I for one really came to liking the family. I believe I might be stretching the word “liking” a little there. I really really like them. I hope I have made a good impression on them. I know I have annoyed them with my late nights out with my girlfriend. I really hope things work out. It’s a shame they’re moving so far away. Maybe I’ll write about that in another post later.
     Basically, in a manner of speaking, I have experienced less and more this summer than I ever have before. I know more I see more, I feel more and I worry more. This has been the most extraordinary summer in all my life. In a funny sort of way. Although, I wouldn’t have asked for it any other way.

NMU Orientation: End of Day 2

Well this is shameful of me. I had said I would write more the next evening and here I am writing four days later. I’ll have to work on getting to bed at a more reasonable hour.
I had said I would write about the organization fair that was held on Tuesday evening at NMU, so I will start my post with that.
Northern Michigan University is fairly well known for their student involvement. NMU currently holds over 335 organization / groups where students take take part in anything from vollentieer services on campus or within the city of Marquette, academic achievement groups or business groups to other interests like sports groups, a news TV station group and even a group for tree climbers. At an org fair, organization / group leaders sit at a table trying to get more people to join their group. Basically, once you finish hearing about them and their group you decide whether or not you would be interested in taking part. If the answer is yes you basically just give your email and they will contact you with more info. At this particular org fair there was only a portion of the groups at NMU. There is a bigger one with nearly all of them sometime in the fall. Regardless, I met a ton of cool people. One of which was from my own town. Now I didn’t count the amount of org leaders there were there but I would guess if is somewhere between 30 and 50.
I really look forward to going up north. It’s going to be awesome.

NMU orientation day 2. LP o9

UPDATE: This was started Tuesday and completed on Thursday morning.

Well gee. I thought yesterday was exciting. Today nearly blew it out of the water. I learned a lot today. Believe it or not, I feel as though a good portion of my learning was about myself. I did not know I was even capable of talking with so many different people and not feel like I’m being suffocated. I think I may have mentioned this briefly in my previous post but I am the epitome of introversion. I am a complete loner unless I feel or was invited to come forward and participate. This being the case, it was quite a surprise to me when not only did I participate in many group things and allow my voice to be heard, I wanted to and remained very comfortable throughout. There was even a time where I was on the verge of raising my hand to join a group of students on stage in front of the relatively large audience of students. This place appears to the effecting me. I’m not sure if it’s for the better but I do believe I feel more confident here.
    There was a time today where I did feel extremely uncomfortable. While meeting in the morning at the small groups, the leaders asked …. Well .. More like demanded the us to cheer and yell at the top of our lungs. This was intended to liven up the group a little but I ended up growing quite small and slid my chair back from the majority of the crowd. I blame no one but myself for the discomfort here though. It is I who need to work on my participation skills.
Later in the day I met with my advisor who was very helpful and attentive. I can tell he likes and does his job very well. When I asked, he pointed out where I could find the department for my major I am in. (Which is computer science) I went down there and had the pleasure of meeting with a professor. He was more then helpful in answering all questions about the department, the classes and even liberal studies suggestion. I really hope he’s the Professor teaching my class. I haven’t verified yet.
There was a picnic on campus that I went to. I spoke with some of the orientation leaders on the way to the picnic then grabbed some food and went to sit alone behind a tree. This might seem and look sad to some but you must remember. Introverts process differently. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life that is truly helpful and important, it is the need to take breaks. Regardless of this, many people still  treat shyness and introversion as one in the same. Just about the time I finished my food, an orientation leader spotted me and asked if I’d like to join in on Ultimate Frisbee. That sounded awesome and so I was really quite thrilled to have been invited. That kid should get a raise for doing such a good job and spotting the stragglers.
I would like to write about the organization fair but my eyes are closing involuntarily so I’ll have to write tomorrow.

First Day at NMU orientation

Well, today was my first day at the NMU orientation. The day went by pretty quickly. It started at about 9 with a nice breakfast with my sisters. Caytie was generous enough to let me try some of the jam from … I believe it was the keweenaw jam company or jelly co. I can’t remember. It was delicious though.
I road my sister’s bike down to campus where I signed in and gathered my gear then happened strike up a conversation with an interesting fellow who’s first name was Gage. Turns out he was also from downstate just south of Detroit. I asked him what he was majoring in but my memory is failing me at this moment. I asked a lot of people that question actually and I remember only a few. This is all very long and rambly but I’m only half awake right now so I don’t expect this post to be interesting. I simply wished to document it.
The tour was fairly short and very informative, I was a little surprised how fast and simple it was in getting my NMU ID card. I think it only took about 45 seconds, maybe a minute. Afterwords, Gage and I wandered around and saw the tunnel leading from the library to their uh …. Science building? (Don’t quote me on that) That was super awesome. I loved the sound it made when we opened the door. The eerie and somewhat chilling sound of a cold empty cement tunnel. It reminded me of the Chicago subways.
When Gage and I split up, I debated going to the PIEF building which is a uh …. Physical something educational facility. After finding out it was too far I saught out the music hall where I discovered an enormous amount of practice rooms, many of which had pianos in them. I played on one then left and had a lunch with my sisters.
The welcoming session was pretty much just a skit but it was entertaining enough. Oh I suppose I should say that although I am a transfer student from the local Jackson College back home. I was stuck going to the freshman orientation. This was simply because I registered late. I hardly noticed the difference till the students in charge of orientation did their skit. I feel like I recognized one of the performing students. Maybe my sister knows her.
The members of the audience (excluding the parents) were all split up into male and female groups and led to smaller group meetings. This was where we discussed classes, requirements and other such things. Some. Some of these small groups later reunited for games and due to inclement weather we’re forced to play inside. We played capture the flag and I had lots of fun walking and running briskly down hallways trying not to get tagged. Of course capture the flag is not an indoor game and so we were doomed to fail while we tried running past the large enemy group crammed in the hall just across the battle line.
Ice cream was provided to us all after games and there I exchanged more phone numbers with a few guys.
Yeah. I think I might like it here.