Have a nice trip

     Well, my darling girlfriend has finally left for her vacation to Hawaii. She went with the two professors she is living with and her sister. They had invited both my gf and her sister at their expense. I am truly happy that she was given such an opportunity and cannot feel greatful enough for the generosity of these very fine people. However, due to an uncontrollable envy and selfishness, this is a somewhat challenging situation.
    Let me start out by stating the obvious. I wish I could have gone. There are a number of reasons why this should not be but only two from what I can think of truly prevented this.
    The first reason is I would have been financial. I would have had to pay my way. Even if the generous professors had extended an invite towards me with expenses taken care of, I am not sure I would have been comfortable with accepting that. Long story short, I have grown up in a family that felt strongly towards working towards what you want and never (unless it’s a small gift) rely on the generosity of others. I believe it ties into that feeling of never wanting to owe anyone which is very strong in my family. Regardless, the generous professors did not offer to pay so I would have. This would have most certainly cost more than I have. Also, with my pending payment for a class at the local college here, I cannot afford to spend anything more than what I have now. I’m not sure how much a plane ticket would have cost but I believe this class costs about the same. Maybe a $100 less. Due to me being a guest student, I have to pay out of pocket.
    The second reason is that I was not welcome. My girlfriend has known the generous professors almost all her life. She has grown up with not only the blessing of their friendship with her family, but the continuous generosity they have always displayed. They truly care about my dear and they always have. Far longer than I have had the honor of knowing her. They want nothing more than to for my gf to succeed and build the best life she can. Hawaii is not the first, nor the largest act of generosity towards my dear gf. The reason I believe I am not welcome is because they have not expressed a keen eye towards myself. I am a very shy individual and they are not very talkative or overly welcoming people. I try to do well in school and I try to give my gf all the encouragement and love I can but they seem to see me as a detriment towards the plans they have for my gf. They are not openly hostile, nor has any verbal communication come forth to confirm my suspicions, but certain actions and ques have repeatedly suggested these sentiments.
    I must admit, I have not been doing the best job at making myself a likeable young man in their eyes. Every time I come over I am with my gf in her room or the living room always separate from them. Whenever I am over, either her sister is there or it is just the two of us hanging out separately from the professors. I have suggested a few times to my gf that we should hang out with them or let them try to get to know me but I have yet to see this happen. My constant separation from them has led to a clear divide between activities they do with my gf and activities I do with my gf. I have never received an invite from them to do any activities with them and my gf. Nor have I had an opportunity to invite them somewhere. There is a clear separation between the groups in my gf’s life. In order for me to always be there, I need to break through the walls and put myself into these groups. I am trying to do this but as I have stated above, this is somewhat challenging.
    For now, my gf is in Hawaii and I am here. There is so much more to say about this but I fear if I go on, either my anonymity will be put at risk or I will simply say something I’ll regret later. I have a lot of work to do this summer. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it but I’ll give it everything I have. I just wish it wasn’t so fucking hard.


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