I have been having a rather troubled night this evening. I can’t quite place a reason why. I feel an extreme weight. Something I do not understand fully. I have had a lot on my mind these past few days. The future looks like a giant question mark most of the time with very little promises towards my hopes and dreams of the near future. I keep chugging away as the days roll by but I keep getting the feeling that before I can graduate, I’m going to reach the inverted U curve of my intelligence and this reach a barring point for my career. There are days when I wonder if I should drop out of this race entirely and seek to establish my own place in the computer science field. I have no idea how I would achieve that and so the idea is quickly shunned. However, I can never fully erase that thought from my mind
I am not very good at school. Especially (it would seem) this semester. In my previous post I had said something about my struggles in my math class. (Calc, to be more specific) Sadly my grades never improved. My instructor recommended that I drop the course and thus prevent the risk of damaging my GPA. That really hit me hard. I have never failed a class before. I have come close, but never failed. Although this is technically not a failure in the sense that it isn’t a failing grade, I know it would have been and so that’s how I see it.
Although school kind of is my biggest worry, I still have lots of other problems I think about frequently. Money is a big issue. Especially when I am trying to save and I keep seeing everything I make go out just as quickly as I can bring it in. The hardest part about me struggling with my troubles that cause my … (dare I say) … depression, is that it makes me shut up a lot when I’m being talked to about it. My dear girlfriend Katrina, whom I love so much, has to persist to get me to just say what’s wrong. To be honest. I’m not even sure what’s wrong half the time. Sometimes I just feel so down about everything I can’t pin point an issue I would like to talk about. I need to work harder on communicating.
I can’t concentrate on a post right now. It’s 3:30 in the morning and I can’t keep my eyes open.